The stress of comparison
Am I doing enough? Am I earning enough? Am I enjoying life enough? Am I enough?
These questions pop up when you go down the rabbit hole of comparing yourself. People often compare their looks, social status, material items, relationships, colleges, and household income. In this blog, I'll talk about comparison and its effect on your authenticity, self-contentment, and decision-making abilities.
“Comparing ourselves to each other is a natural human behavior that has evolved to help us live together as a cohesive group, to help us learn from one another, and to keep us from falling too far behind our potential..”
Why do we compare?
The short answer, it is natural. Comparison inspires us to be better and strive. For example, when you compare yourself to a mentor or role model, it might inspire you to work harder or better yourself. This is called upward comparison.
Downward comparison is when you compare yourself to someone you feel is worse off than you. This can fuel gratitude and is natural during personal reflection.
Comparison should lead to inspiration and gratitude, not envy and thoughts such as “I am not good enough?” Even though comparison is a natural behavior, it can easily steal your joy and self-contentment if you constantly compare yourself with others. Thoughts of self-doubt can pop up if you compare one part of your life to one part of another person’s life without seeing the whole picture. For instance, if you feel your life is dull because you don’t travel as much as your friends, without considering that you have three small children and your friends have not started with a family yet. Or comparing yourself, with a friend’s perfectly slim body, without considering the sacrifices she makes to go to the gym.
The psychological consequences of comparison
You can’t be authentic if you compare yourself.
I once worked in a team of about six counselors, they all had been with the team for a couple of years, and each had their role within the team. So naturally, I wanted to contribute to the team and leave some legacy. But what can I bring to a team that’s already top-notch? I tried a few things, writing training manuals and joining committees in the bigger organization. Still, nothing really fitted, and it wasn’t things I excelled in until I volunteered to organize and create systems for our electronic documents. Viola! I had an outstanding ability to create order out of chaos, and I love to do it. So even though it was something simple as organizing electronic documents and creating systems, our team desperately needed it to go to the next level.
If I compared myself to the counselors and tried to be more like them, instead of being my true authentic self, we would have missed out on the simple yet important gift I had to offer. So likewise, when you compare yourself to others and strive to be more like them instead of your authentic self, the world misses the beautiful gifts you have to offer.
Comparison creates tension.
How do you feel when someone judges you? It creates tension for most of us, which leads to questions such as “Do I have what it takes?” or “I am good enough? “ Most of us don’t like to be judge, yet we judge ourselves constantly. When others judge you, the tension you feel is very similar to the tension you feel when you judge yourself. Judgment is a form of comparison. “Why can’t I be more like that? Why don’t I exercise as much as her?” When you judge and compare yourself, it creates tension and discontentment. I use an analogy of a job interview. During a job interview, you feel tense and compare yourself to the other candidates in the waiting room. “He is younger than me; maybe they are looking for someone with more innovative ideas” “Looks at her expensive clothes, do I look professional enough?” You also know the interviewer will compare you to other candidates, which creates even more tension. We tend to create an internal job interview scenario within ourselves. We judge and compare ourselves, which creates similar tension to a real-life interview, and it steals our self-contentment, peace, and joy.
Comparison creates anxiety around decision-making.
If I paint the house grey, will it look modern enough? What if I paint it grey and then green is the upcoming color? I really like my sister-in-law’s house, will this grey look as good as hers?
This A-line dress really looks good on me, but a shift dress or empire waist dress is in. Will I be the only one with an A-line dress? Is an A-line dress really that unfashionable?
My son got accepted at the University of Michigan and Michigan State University. So to which one is the Jones’s son going?
I have to take my kids on a Disney Cruise Boat. No one else in our friends’ group can say they took a Disney Cruise.
When you are concerned about how you match up against others, it creates anxiety when making important and simple life decisions. When we compare ourselves, we make decisions from a place of fear, asking, “Will it be good enough?” or “Will I fit in?” This creates a slippery slope of procrastination and indecisiveness because you don’t have any control over whether people will like it or not. But when you make decisions from a place of authenticity, it is easier to make decisions. So instead of seeking answers by comparing yourself to others, seek answers by slowing down and tuning in to your true self. One way to slow down and tune in is to journal. Ask yourself these three questions:
Why is this decision so hard to make?
What are my values? What is important for me? For example, Family, saving for a retirement fund, generosity, community, functionality vs. fashion.
What are my goals for the next five years and ten years?
In this blog, I talked about the psychological consequences of comparison and how it affects your authenticity, self-contentment, and decision-making abilities. In the next blog, I share tips to counter thoughts of comparison.
Resources
The Stress of Social Comparison
Information on this website is provided for information purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for the advice provided by a mental health therapist or other healthcare professional. No information offered here should be interpreted as a diagnosis of any disorder, nor an attempt to treat or prevent or cure any disease or condition. Names, characters, places, and incidents on this website are for illustrative purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
